Tag: sexuality

What is Desire Discrepancy, and What Can I Do About It? 

Desire discrepancy is a common challenge many couples face—it happens when partners have different levels of sexual desire. More often than not, my female patients complain that they feel as if they are broken because they do not want to have sex with their partners. They often describe that they feel as though they “should” be more into sex and feel tremendous amounts of shame for their lack of interest. 

News flash for all of y’all: we may assume that this is a female-specific problem. This is not true. Desire discrepancy can occur in any relationship by any particular person. Same-sex and queer couples can present this issue. Likewise, there are plenty of men with lower libidos than their female partner. 

Desires naturally ebb and flow. Many factors feed into our sex life even though we associate most of sex with our genitals. Our stressors, lifestyle, hormonal changes, children, sleep cycles and general health can all tremendously impact how we relate to our sexuality. 

The bottom line here that we all really need to understand a couple of things: 

1. What value does sex bring into our lives? Is it a release? Physical touch? Intimacy? Reflecting on what sex means to you and being vulnerable enough to have that conversation with your partner is the first step in conquering this issue. The real challenge here is that SHAME wants to fault your desires and needs. 
2. Good, giving, game of Dan Savage rules when it comes to our sexuality. We have to be willing to at least entertain or explore our partner’s needs in regards to our sexuality in a judgement free space. 
3. SEX WILL CHANGE! This is inevitable. Our hormones change, our bodies change, we age. There are facts. Understanding 1 & 2 will keep these conversations open and make sexuality something that can be adaptable through the lifespan. 

At its core, desire discrepancy isn’t about “fixing” anyone. Instead, it’s about understanding the unique factors that influence desire, such as stress, emotional connection, and physical well-being. One powerful tool to navigate this difference is mindfulness.

How Mindfulness Can Help

Mindfulness, the practice of being present and fully engaged in the moment, can shift the way couples approach desire and intimacy. Here’s how:

1. Managing Stress: Stress is a major libido killer. Mindfulness exercises like deep breathing or guided meditation help calm the nervous system, creating space for desire to re-emerge naturally. Arousal needs us to be in a parasympathetic state. By managing our stressors through mindfulness, we can actually be in a state to be present. 
2. Improves Emotional Connection: Mindfulness fosters nonjudgmental awareness, allowing partners to listen and empathize with each other’s feelings about intimacy without defensiveness or shame.
3. Enhances Body Awareness: Practices like body scans or mindful touch can help individuals reconnect with their own sensations and desires, paving the way for deeper intimacy. I agree that disembodiment is a beautiful coping mechanism from time to time but we need to be inside of our bodies to experience pleasure. 
4. Builds Communication Skills: When couples approach conversations about their desires and their shame with mindfulness, they can express needs and even boundaries with more ease which fosters mutual understanding.

Mindfulness Exercise to Try

The 5-Minute Connection Practice:

• Sit facing your partner.
• Spend one minute making eye contact without speaking. Notice your breath and your partner’s presence. Do not feel bad if this is awkward. Notice the feelings or thoughts and let them come and go. 
• Take turns sharing one sentence about how you’re feeling in the moment. Listen fully without interrupting or problem-solving. You are allowed to feel great, terrible or anywhere in between. 
• End by thanking each other for the connection.

This simple practice (even if you laugh the entire time) can help you feel more attuned to your partner and create a foundation for open dialogue about your pleasures, desires or just feelings in general. . 

Desire discrepancy doesn’t have to create lasting distance between partners. Oftentimes, it can become a point to connect and evolve as a couple. With mindfulness exercises that are self-guided or partnered, you can turn it into an opportunity for growth, understanding, and deeper intimacy.

Want to learn more about the effect of stress on the body? Click here!